I Got My Husband's Girlfriend a Valentine's Day Gift - Business Insider

Last year, a mysterious box arrived in the mail that said, "Don't open 'til February 14." My husband Cole shrugged, "It's not from me."

When I finally opened the package, I was delighted. It was from Pippy, Cole's girlfriend. In poly circles, Pippy and I are what's known as metamours — we're not partnered to each other, but we share a partner in common. Nine months into her relationship with Cole, Pippy and I had just started to become good friends. She had sent me a Valentine, which included an elaborate card that said, "World's Best Metamour," and, "Let's overthrow social norms together."

When Cole and I first opened our relationship, tears of jealousy and insecurity often seemed just a blink away, and I felt the physical sensation of terror when he went on dates with someone else. By the time they started seeing each other, Cole and I were over a decade into our polyamorous relationship, and his relationships outside our marriage had started to feel mostly uneventful for me. I was thrilled to have the house to myself occasionally and relieved his other partners would watch the foreign horror films that he loves and I despise.

But Cole's relationship with Pippy escalated more quickly than any of Cole's others, which left me unsettled. I tried to clarify my emotions, to untangle the knots that had tied themselves firmly around my throat. Adding to the complexity, their early courtship also coincided with the first time in a very long time that I wasn't dating anyone outside of our marriage.

Through journaling, I realized these were two separate issues: my feelings of apprehension about Cole spending so much time with Pippy was distinct from changes in my desire for outside relationships.

It may seem counterintuitive to those who are monogamous, but in polyamory, getting to know your metamours can actually reduce jealousy and discomfort. While my imagination might assume all of Cole's partners are radiant sex goddesses, in real life, they're usually lovely down-to-earth women whose company I enjoy.

I figured spending more time with Pippy would help ease my stress, but I was exhausted, struggling with an episode of depression I didn't realize had set in. In the first seven months Pippy and Cole were together, she and I only exchanged pleasantries when we ran into one another at parties. I made deliberate attempts to be friendly, to ensure she knew I was sincerely OK with them dating, but we hadn't spent much time together.

At one point, after the three of us struggled to navigate their escalating relationship, Pippy suggested she and I go for a walk.

As we strolled, I told her I was grateful she'd initiated our time together — and also that we hadn't scheduled it any sooner. I told her candidly that I was just coming out of a season of depression, which had made their intensifying relationship harder for me to navigate.

"That's OK," she told me. "I was too scared of you to try to be friends." We laughed. This was her first poly relationship, and she told me that spending time with me had initially felt intimidating.

Neither of us had social scripts for relationship dynamics between metamours to follow, but the conversation felt sincere — like we were both trying to be warm and kind, like we were on the same team.

At the end of our walk, Pippy mentioned clothes she wanted to donate. "I think we're about the same size," she offered, "You should definitely go through them."

"I'd love to — unless that's weird…" I stopped myself, laughing. "Clothes are definitely not the weirdest thing we share."

Clothes became a lovely source of connection and conversation. We texted, "Our closets just doubled," and, "I KNEW that sequin dress would look great on you."

This first walk initiated a lovely rapport with Pippy, one I hadn't realized I wanted. As I was eking my way out of depression, it was comforting to have a new relationship to focus on, a person I wanted to delight, who wanted to delight me too. Neither of us wanted our relationship to be sexual, nor did we spend much time together, but my blossoming friendship with Pippy had some of the same sweetness of early courtship that I'd longed for since I stopped dating.

And there's a particular pleasure and intimacy in sharing clothes. Every time I wear something that was once Pippy's, I feel a flurry of tenderness and excitement about how we, the three of us, are forging our own path to healthy relationships.

This Valentine's Day, I'm more excited to celebrate my relationship with Pippy than I am to celebrate my 13th Valentine's Day with my husband. Cole and I usually eschew the holiday or watch a movie and eat pizza. Even though Pippy and I haven't discussed exchanging presents, I've been planning her gift for months, adding ideas for little treats to my notes app.

As we celebrate romantic love today, I'm celebrating the platonic love I share with my metamour and the beautiful family we've created.